Alone in the arena...

So here we go...again...Tomorrow I am flying out again, destination: Gold Coast.

Today I thought back to all those, already numerous times, I had to go through this process and I realized there are two specific moments that make this departure a tough step to take. One of them is the night before. In my last post I spent many words trying to describe how my life is found to be split up into two distinct parts, but I think I can use one more metaphor to make this idea even clearer; my life is just like a big arena, only I sometime am the spectator and some other time the gladiator fighting with the lions. Right now, I am still a spectator, but conscious of the fact that soon enough I'll put my armor on once again. It's this consciousness, which I feel really strongly, that gives me discomfort and stress at the eve of my going away. The second one represents the moment when entering the arena and that is the last sight of my parents' expression and faces beyond the security gate, the point of no turning back. That is probably the only moment when those two worlds meet, maybe just for a second or a blink of the eye. And that fleeting moment always gives me the same response: you don't belong to that side, but it's your duty to strive and conquer yourself there. And it's just that truth you don't want to hear at times. But it still is the truth. The more time I spend on that side, the less I feel like I belong there. Instability reigns sovereign upon the arena. And what makes it even worse is that you do not know if you can count on other gladiators to come and succor you. So far I felt like there were very few I could rely on, but now I get this gut feeling that the more I will go on the more I will be alone. My beloved mum opened my eyes once again tonight. I repeated this concept in my mind so many times and I could not myself believe that I had not internalized it yet, when I heard it coming out of her lips. I am alone...and will always be. Even the people that are closest to me could in a moment be gone or, even worse, change and become people far from the ones I have learnt to rely on and trust. That rule has no exceptions. That, I find terrifying. Only God I can trust in all and at every time. That, I find extremely reassuring.

I have so many tests to counter in the next few months, but maybe my preliminary test is to really understand this. I feel like I know what I want to do and what the changes I want to bring are, but I need God to show me the way, day after day, and this is my prayer. May He give me the strength to walk His paths, careless of the obstacles on the way.

God Bless,

Tenete Botta e

Forza Juve!

My life split in two..

WOW! I just looked at my last post.. 25th Dec.. Funny to think how fast things change during my frequent visits to Italy. It's now 1.50am of 11th Jan 2010 and it feels like so much has changed already, so many things bugging me and going through my mind. 

It seems to me like my life at this stage is distinctly divided into two parts: Italy and Australia. To me they are not only geographically distinguished, but rather they have very separate and distinct roles in my life. Australia is where I live now, where my routine runs its course, where days go by and you don't even realize because you are too busy planning and organizing day after day. It's also a time of trials and tests. 

Italy is usually the time when I analyze my response to those tests. It represents a separate, more objective Me who critically analyzes the Australian Me and gives him suggestions for the future. Interestingly enough, most of the times the Australian Me lacks objectivity and criticism. I often get sucked in perverse mechanisms that slowly manipulate me and what's scary is that I do not ackowledge it, rather justifying my actions. Do not get me wrong; I think I can safely say that I am strong in my ideals, my principles but society works in sneaky and twisted ways. No matter how strong you are it gradually erodes you like the ocean's waves do with rocks they hit repetitively. Consequently, the Italian Me needs to take over and open my eyes, and so it did. 

That's when I realized that I was compromising with society's standards, while that was never my purpose in mind. I am not going to go into much details, because that is not really the purpose of this blog. Here I want to freeze, store and save thoughts, impressions and considerations not necessarily facts as I don't think I need to. Now I just want to go back to the 'real life' and put into action what I have come to realize, hoping that I'll do better this time. 

It's so hard to be a Bahà'ì these days. It's a responsibility. It's hard work. It's giving up your ego for the greater good, for the love of the Blessed Beauty. And 'ego' was actually one of the most recurrent word in my thoughts in these last few days. 

It all came together in my head while I was taking a shower a few days ago and it became my Facebook status straight away. It goes like this: though I'll never be perfect, I will always chase and strive for excellence because my love for it far exceeds the love I have for my imperfect ego. And I guess that's why I am a Bahà'ì. I mean there are many reasons really. But what makes me want to follow a Bahà'ì lifestyle and pursue a Bahà'ì identity is really that. I love excellence, the excellence of 'Abdu-l-Bahà, more than I love my ego. Oh well, at least that's the direction I am aiming towards. And that makes me happy. I know it's going to be a continuum of tests, trials and sacrifices but that's who I want to become. Happiness lays in putting my life in the hands of the Blessed Beauty. Nothing else matters. 

God Bless,

Tenete Botta e 

Forza Juve!